Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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