I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
