The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
