she woke up with a sticky ear
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
