It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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