Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
