ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
