Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
