The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
