I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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