the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
