physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
