Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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