I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So many bounce houses so little time
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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