Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
