I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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