My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
