Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
