how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
