i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
