Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
