He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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