Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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