he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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