You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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