I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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