Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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