my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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