Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
