where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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