those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
