so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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