I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
