She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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