fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
