Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
