It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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