dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
