"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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