the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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