An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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