I hate all girls vehemently.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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