Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
