So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
