I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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