No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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