Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
