my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The best revenge is premature balding
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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