god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Randomize
