When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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